The Hell That Comes with Heartbreak
Regardless of the length of the relationship (or even if it was an almost-relationship that never fully made it), heartbreak hurts. Unfortunately, there’s no way you can just rip it off like a band-aid and get the pain over with. Most of the time it’s a long, hard, and annoying process. And as if the pain of the heartbreak itself isn’t bad enough, it proceeds to haunt you with questions, feelings, and doubts that seem impossible to shake. These are some questions that have gone through my mind or my friends’ minds in dealing with heartbreak and breakups, and I’m going to try to answer them in the best ways I know how. Let me preface this by saying that I’m not going to pretend to have the right words, because no amount of pretty words could mend a broken heart. Only God can do that. I just want to be a friend to encourage you today, and I want you to know that you don’t have to walk through hell alone.
If you are asking 1 or all of these questions, this one’s for you, babe.
#1) What do I do now?
You cry and eat ice cream (*If you’re dairy-free, Ben & Jerry’s has some non-dairy ice cream. I heard it’s pretty bomb.) You pick yourself up. You take it day by day. Everyone deals with breakups differently. The key is choosing to deal with it. You won’t be able to get over it and heal if you don’t face it head-on. There are definitely ways you can numb or avoid your heartbreak, and although that may seem like the easier route, that’s not dealing with it. The feelings you’re avoiding will come back with a vengeance, affecting you and your future relationships, if you run away from them.
If you are currently in the middle of dealing with it, I think that you are incredibly brave and incredibly strong. It takes a brave and strong person to do the hard things - like being intentional about healing up your heart. I’m not going to lie to you - It’s a painful process, and some days will be harder than others. Here are some things I did to get through it - Read “Learning How to Dance Upon Disappointment.”
#2) How do I deal with missing him so much?
Missing someone is THE worst feeling. It feels like a gaping hole in your chest or a constant ache in your heart. And what sucks so bad is that you can’t help it when you miss someone. You just do.
I wish I could tell you when it starts to get easier, but again, it’s different for everyone. The person you dated was probably your best friend, and you probably spent a lot of time with him. If this was a long-term relationship, there were probably a lot of big, special moments that they were a part of - birthdays, holidays, and maybe even family vacations. And don’t even get me started on all the little things that can remind you of him throughout the day. That was the hardest part for me.
Re-learning how to live life without someone you thought you’d never have to live without is SUCH a difficult thing to do. In the moments you miss him most, try your best not to sit in those feelings because they’ll just get amplified. (And before you know it, you’ll end up texting him or calling him because that’s going to seem like the best idea at the moment. But trust me on this - it’s just going to make you miss him more.) Instead of torturing yourself, surround yourself with people who love you or go do something fun to keep yourself busy. The feeling of missing someone is almost impossible to ignore, but you need to try your best not to give it attention. If the feeling is so loud that you can’t possibly ignore it, keep bringing that to God. There were so many days I’ve prayed, “God, I really miss him, and I’m going to need your help because this is just too hard for me today.” God can AND WILL silence the noise. He will comfort you, give you peace of mind, and carry you through this.
Take it day by day. It will just keep getting easier and easier, and eventually, you’ll be able to go an entire day without thinking about him. Give yourself time and have grace with yourself if it takes more time than you hoped or expected it to. Missing him is 100% normal, and hearts heal at different rates.
#3) Why did he give up on me?
First off - I hate that he did that, and I’m so sorry that he did.
I know someone needs to read this, so I want to make this very clear: He made his choice. Him giving up his fight is not on you; it’s on him. There’s nothing you could have done to make him stay, so stop dwelling on what you could have done differently.
All that does is feed your insecurities and awaken thoughts that you weren’t enough - “pretty enough”, “fun enough”, “chill enough”, you name it.
I don’t know your situation. I don’t know why he changed his mind or why he stopped deciding to fight for your relationship. But I do know that you deserve a guy who won’t quit on you.
Now you’re probably asking: “If I deserve a guy who won’t quit on me, then why did he decide to quit!?” and/or “What was it about me that made it so easy for him to walk away?” Those are valid questions that I unfortunately don’t have the answers to.
I brought those questions up because I’ve asked them before, and for a while, the not-knowing part killed me. There were nights I couldn’t sleep because I was trying to figure out where I went wrong, and I legit tore myself apart doing that. I don’t exactly remember what brought this on - but one day, I got to the point where I just had to decide that I wasn’t going to let a person’s actions or excuses be an indicator of my self-worth. People (including ourselves) can be careless, selfish, and flaky sometimes, which makes people an unstable, unreliable, and dangerous place to attach your self-worth to. When your self-worth is established in the Lord, who is perfect, steady, stable, and unchanging, you will be able to face rejection from people without doubting the person you are. And I’m not saying it’s not going to hurt (I mean, we’re human; rejection always stings.), but it does prevent the cut from going deep. It’ll feel more like a papercut instead of a stab through the heart. (My girl Raquel wrote about rejection in her piece - “Almost, but Never Enough” if you want to read more about this topic.)
*Also, remember that a relationship is about two people choosing each other - flaws/mistakes/mess and all. So if he decided to call it quits, then that means he’s not the person you want fighting alongside you in life.
#4) What if he finds someone better than me?
This is such a hard pill to swallow - knowing that the person you loved is going to end up with someone else. It’s going to happen sooner or later (unless he decides to never date again, which is a possibility...but also highly unlikely).
“What if she’s better?” is a common question that pops up in every girl’s head. And if I’m being honest - although the thought still makes me cringe a little - I really hope that she is. Before you shout “bs!” at me, let me explain. A better fit for him doesn’t mean that she’s better than you. When you say “better than”, comparison is heavily involved. And let’s be real - it becomes less of a “you and him” or “him and her” thing, and more of a “you and her” thing. And it’s natural to do that because the world we live in is full of competition and comparison. That’s just a sad fact. Whenever someone starts dating someone new, a question often thrown around is whether they downgraded or upgraded. People are always encouraging comparison. Although we can’t control the people around us, we can control ourselves and our thoughts.
So I need you to remember that whenever he starts dating again, that does not mean his next girl is better than you. Please hold that tight. And if it has already happened, QUIT COMPARING YOURSELF TO HER RIGHT NOW! I’m serious. That won’t do you any good. All you’ll see are ways you guys are different. And you’re going to have a pretty long list because you’re going to be comparing two VERY different people. It’s like if you compared burgers to ice cream. They’re both great, but they are different. What comparison will do is make her differences seem better than yours. (And they’re not. So stop it.) I’m restating this for emphasis - the person he dates next may be (and hopefully is) a better fit for him, but that does not mean she is better. And you can hold on to a hope that there is a better fit for you out there too. I get it - that thought probably makes you want to throw up right now. But at the end of the day, don’t you want the VERY BEST fit for the both of you?
#5) I’m tired of crying. When will the pain go away?
There was a point after my breakup that I was genuinely surprised (and annoyed) that my eyes were STILL producing tears. They just wouldn’t run out! I figured I’d just cry for a week...maybe two weeks...and then it’d be done. Lemme tell ya - it took me WAY longer than two weeks. I remember crying over the situation and then crying more because I was so tired of crying over it. To this day, I am still dehydrated from the amount of tears I cried over that boy.
Just kidding. But seriously, I cried a lot. And whenever I would, it would be so discouraging! To me, crying felt like steps backward. I didn’t understand that pain just comes in waves sometimes. There are days that I felt good, and then days that my heart hurt again. It’s all part of the long and annoying healing process. Here are 3 things I had to learn how to do during the process:
I had to learn to embrace it. Embracing the process is giving yourself the time that you need to heal. Your ex might already be back on their feet, and you might still be crying. And that’s okay. Everyone’s timeline and process are going to look different, but you’ve gotta do what you’ve gotta do to heal up, boo.
I had to learn how to ride the waves. Like I said, the pain came in waves for me. You may be doing well for months and then one day, you might find yourself randomly crying because you miss him. Let’s be real - when you care about someone or love someone, there is no “off” switch for that. I wish it were that easy. It’s a process that takes time (refer to my previous point), so don’t be too hard on yourself. If the wave knocks ya down, you’ve just gotta shake it off and keep moving forward.
I had to learn that I couldn’t do it alone. Get with people you can trust and be honest with them about how you’re feeling. It’s so much easier to handle the pain of a heartbreak when you have people walking next to you, encouraging you, and praying with you. It’s so important to be real with the people close to you about where you’re at. Your friends and family can’t read your mind, and they can’t be there for you if you don’t give them a chance to. God gave us people for a reason. You were never meant to walk through this on your own.
#6) I’m not sad anymore, I’m just really pissed off.
I get it - sometimes being mad at him feels better than being sad and crying over him. And you may even have every reason to be mad. But although it may “feel better,” you’re doing more damage to yourself than you are to him. Anger and bitterness go hand in hand, and those things are poison for your heart. In the “Listen, Honey: Heartbreak. It sucks.” piece, Mrs. Wheeler said, “Heartbreak can turn to bitterness so easily. But it can also teach you compassion and empathy. It can make you a better listener, a better friend, a better human being...you want heartbreak to soften you, not break you into too many pieces.”
Fight to stay soft. It’s so easy for your heart to get hardened and cynical because of crappy people and heartbreaking experiences, but that’s not what God wants for us. God is in the business of healing broken hearts. He wants to restore you. Ezekiel 36:26 says, “And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart.” He will take the poison out of your system and free you from the bondage that unforgiveness and anger trap us in. God will give your heart the grace and capacity to love and forgive. We have been given so much undeserved love and grace from God. And out of overflow, we can freely give that same love and grace to people who may not deserve it either.
#7) Will I ever find someone I love as much as him?
The short and sweet answer to this is “yes.”
But I know that’s kind of hard to believe when you haven’t met him yet and it seems like options are quickly dwindling (or are nonexistent), so I get it. The best advice I could give you in regards to this question is not to worry too much about “finding” him and just continue to seek the Lord. That may seem like sugary advice, but it’s seriously the only productive thing you can do. Worrying won’t help and spending all your days looking for him will get exhausting. “Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.” (Matthew 6:33) God knows EXACTLY what you need. You have to let go of the ideas of what you think you need, and you’re going to have to let go of the person you were with. Until you let go of him, no one will ever compare to him tbh. How could some random dude stand a chance against a person you loved? He can’t and he won’t if your heart isn’t 100% ready.
This is why it’s so important to not skip your prep time. God is preparing you and healing up your heart right now. Don’t rush it, don’t look for your next boo, and don’t spend time worrying about whether or not he’ll live up to your ex. He’ll come at just the right time, and he’ll be so much more than you could have ever imagined. Remember, God knows exactly what you need.
#8) When is the right time to start dating again?
I’m not about to give you a time frame (Sorry!), but I will give you some questions that I asked myself to help gauge if I was ready for that -
- How’s my relationship with God going? If you’re not right with God, then it’s not the right time to start dating again. If God isn’t enough for you, you’re going to keep expecting someone to fill the hole in your heart that only God can fill.
- Have I given myself some time? Remember when I said that there are ways you can numb or avoid dealing with your heartbreak? Jumping right back into dating is one of the ways people do that. It’s a fun distraction at first, but you need to realize that that’s only going to hurt you (and the person you decide to date) in the long run. Unresolved hurt and mess will always resurface in a relationship.
- Will I actually be giving this guy a fair shot? (Is my heart open?) You can’t date again with a closed heart. It won’t be fun for you, and it won’t be fair to him.
- Am I in a place where I won’t compare him to my ex? This goes along with actually giving him a fair shot. I mean, you’re going to notice differences in the people you date. It happens. But if you’re not over your ex then you’re going to keep comparing your new dude to him, and the poor guy won’t stand a chance. (Refer to question #7.) Dating someone before your heart is truly ready will just end in more heartbreak.
- Do I even want to go?
It’s probably a good indicator that it’s not the right time to start dating again if you’re lowkey dreading it. For a while, the very thought of dating again made me sick to my stomach. Dating, in general, is a little uncomfortable at first. But there’s a difference between dreading it and discomfort.
Sometimes people go on dates even when they don’t really want to for a number of different reasons - maybe they really do think he’s a decent guy and want to give him a chance, maybe they feel like they’ve given themselves enough time to bounce back, maybe their friends or family are pushing them to, or they may even be scared to end up alone. Whatever the reason - I don’t think you should go if you don’t really want to go. Dating is supposed to be fun, and if you jump back in prematurely, it won’t be. If people are pressuring you to date again but you really don’t want to, then don’t go. Cherish this time by yourself and do things you actually want to do - maybe go on a solo trip, start a new hobby, revamp your look or your wardrobe, etc. Date when you’re ready and willing. When the right guy comes along, you’re going to WANT to go on a date with him.
#9) What if we get back together someday?
Out of all the questions, this one probably tripped me up the most. It seems so harmless, but man, it can do some damage. I retreated to this question a lot because it softens the initial blow of a breakup and makes it not seem as final. Although that made it easier at first, it made it SO much harder for me in the long run. It’s true that you never know what could happen, but until you stop saying this to yourself you won’t fully let go of him and you won’t move forward. You may SAY that you’ve let go of him and that you’re moving on, but you’re playin’ yourself if part of your heart is still holding on to the hope that you guys will get back together someday. That glimmer of hope can go a long, long way. I built a nice little fort and camped there for A WHILE off a glimmer of hope. That’s why this question is sneakily dangerous.
“Maybe’s” and “What if’s” can be paralyzing; they can keep you superglued to the ground, focused on things that may or may not happen. There are places God wants to take you and things that God wants to do in you/through you right now, but He can’t do it if He doesn’t have your full attention. He can't do it if you're stuck on something. Be alert and present to what God is doing in your life. “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” (Matthew 6:34) “Be alert, be present. I'm about to do something brand-new…” (Isaiah 43:19) Don’t worry about what’s going to happen, and just keep saying “yes” to the things God has for you today. Baby steps are better than no steps!
#10) Why did God let this happen?
I’ve asked God so many variations of this question -
“I don’t understand why this happened.”
“I trusted you with this and this is what I get?!.”
“I feel played by you.”
I really do think you should be honest with God about how you feel. Seriously, He could take it. Every time I’ve hashed it out with God I got to know His heart better. Because when you take the time to talk to the Lord, He WILL show up. I promise you. He loves you way more than you can ever imagine. And the more you get to know Him for yourself, you’ll start to see His patterns of love and faithfulness in your life.
Since we live in a fallen world, bad things are going to happen. It’s inevitable. But the closer we get to God, the easier it will be to understand that those things don’t come from Him. He is a good God who will turn EVERY heartbreaking situation around. Whatever the enemy intended for evil, He will use for good. (Genesis 50:20) In Him, we already have victory over every heartbreak we face. Even when we feel like we’re walking through hell, He will never leave your side. Not for a moment. “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” (Psalm 34:18) He hates to see you heartbroken, and I promise you that He will not waste a single tear you’ve cried, minute of sleep you’ve lost, or amount of pain you’ve felt. He will not stop until all things are worked out for your good.
If you want to talk more about anything I mentioned or if you have any questions that I didn’t address, just shoot me a message. Again, I won’t promise to have all the answers, but I can be there to listen, pray with you, or share my experiences with you. I mean it - you don’t have to go through this alone.
xoxo