The "I Do's" & Don'ts by Kristen Pope

Oh, marriage.

In no way am I an expert on marriage, but as we’re approaching two years this June, and I can confidently say that marriage has gotten easier and fuller for us as time passes.

I used to call it good luck, but the truth is that the Lord has been our greatest counselor and guided us through adopting some important principles for a successful and fulfilling relationship. If you’re already married, in a serious relationship, just dating around, or are enjoying life on your own - below are my top “do’s” and “don’ts” to practice for a successful relationship.

Because let me be clear, I apply these to all of my relationships. Not just with my husband - but naturally, it is way more concentrated in marriage.

DO...

Be unapologetically authentic   

On our first date, Evan took me to the Marin Headlands at sunset. As we stood looking out at the Golden Gate bridge sparkling in the sunlight, he shared a beautifully articulated speech about our journey from friends, to close friends, to best friends, and how he wanted more than that, and asked me to be his girlfriend.

My first response? “I would love to be your girlfriend. But, our entire friendship you have planned to be a bachelor missionary for the rest of your life. I’m not saying it has to be me, but if marriage isn’t on the table for you, then I’m not dating you. Because that’s where I plan to go. So… uh… is marriage on the table for you now?”

Luckily, it was and here we are! But I encourage you to be totally honest with where you’re at and what you’re thinking, even if it’s hard. Being totally honest about where you are, and demanding the same from your partner in a loving way, is KEY to a healthy relationship. Evan and I are not afraid to speak what’s on our mind with each other, in love, and it has spared us many fights and frustrations.

Emulate the things you admire

So my husband will be so embarrassed reading this, but one thing that stands out about his character is that he is a GENEROUS man. He gives and gives and gives without hesitation or expectation. He will continue to give to people that hurt him and he will fill the needs in people’s lives before they even realize it.

Me? Not so much. I try to give when I can, but I will first ensure it fits in my budget and am not inclined to be generous if there is no gratitude involved. Choosing to give the way that Evan gives in our marriage has given me a new perspective on generosity. The Lord truly blesses a generous heart, and more importantly, He changes YOU to be a more gracious and thankful person.

That is one of many things I have adopted from my husband. Be open to not only accepting, but emulating the qualities in your spouse’s life that will help you become more like Christ.

Go on dates!!!

Marriage is so much fun! It’s not a ball and chain if you don’t let it become that for yourself. I really think this is a choice. Evan and I have so much fun together, and make it a priority to have time to enjoy each other’s company. This should be taken seriously, as you will grow closer and closer if you’re having fun in the process!

DON’T...

Keep using “you” and “I” - especially in arguments  

You guys, literally I used to roll my eyes every time Evan said this, but here I am using it as a top piece of advice. The day you say “I do” is the day that “you” and “me” die. When we first got married, I used to say things like, “Well, you need to do __ because I am working on __.” Ev’s response? “No, no, no. What do WE need to do? We will not be saying “you” or “I” anymore. They are forbidden words. From now on, it’s WE and US. So what are we going to do?”

This changed the game for me. When you focus on what the two of you should do TOGETHER, it changes your outlook completely. When you approach a situation with “WE”, you’re on the same side of the table rather than across from each other. You are a team, as it should be. Try it out and see if it helps your relationship!

Be afraid to change

A weird fact about me is that I do not like playing games. None of them. I’m not competitive, I get bored quickly, I don’t like people looking at me. Coincidentally, I married into a family that exclusively plays games as entertainment. Seriously, my new family plays games for hours at a time. It might sound silly, but this was one of the hardest things to deal with in our early months of marriage. I dreaded going to my in-laws because I knew that they would want to play games, and I would decline and sit in the corner for four hours. But I started to see this affect my husband, because this is the way his family spends time together. This is a big way that they love each other. So fast forward a year and you’ll find me sitting in the circle playing games for a couple hours.

At the beginning, I got a lot of advice that sounded like, “Well, that’s just not who you are. Find something else to do while they play their games, they can’t expect you to suddenly like games. It’s not who you are!” And while that advice isn’t necessarily bad, I just don’t think it’s sustainable. I married Evan’s family when I married him. It has been a journey, but learning to accept the things that are important to them and adopt those things as my own has really strengthened our marriage. This has also happened in reverse as well.

Sweat the small things

On a related note to the game night story above, this is equally important. One of the best things about marriage is that you’re in it for the long haul. And when that’s the case, it’s just not worth focusing on the little annoyances. Choose to accept them - and maybe even laugh at them! Because you know what? I am starting to look forward to game nights every once in a while. I am stronger because I let go of my stubborn will, wasn’t afraid to change, and also decided it wasn’t a battle worth fighting. And grew from it because of that. Take this one seriously, ladies.

That’s it! These may seem pretty simple to you, but they have had life changing effects on my marriage. Just remember, it doesn’t have to be as complicated as we make it sometimes. Just have fun and enjoy the one you love!

AUTHOR: KRISTEN POPE