Reminder: I'm Fighting For You

Hearts. They’re everywhere this time of year.

I love Valentine’s day - the love in the air, the rom-com suggestions on Netflix, the giant teddy bears at Target, the hues of pinks and reds in every store and restaurant…

But the hearts... This year, I ain’t feelin’ the hearts.

More specifically - I ain’t feelin’ my heart.

I last posted in October - October !! - with a closing statement about taking care of my messy room and my messy heart. That wasn’t just a pretty closing statement; it was meant to be an encouragement to you guys, a prompting to myself, and some built-in accountability (because Lord knows I needed that). Taking care of my room was a way easier/quicker process than the latter. And while that didn’t come as a surprise to me, it didn’t change the fact that it was/is so. stupid. hard.

In October, I also posted an Instagram picture of Muhammad Ali as a screensaver with a reminder that says “I’m fighting for you.”

The caption read:

I still have him as my screensaver, and that reminder still pops up every single day.

It’s funny, because I’ve never really been a fan of boxing. People found out I was a poser the minute they saw my screensaver and started asking questions about him that I had no idea how to answer. However, I did start a membership at a boxing gym so that makes me less of a poser, right? More on that later.

Despite me not knowing much about boxing, Mister Muhammad Ali - or moreso, my screensaver of Muhammad Ali - has become a big part of my life these past few months.

Like I said, I knew the amount of work it would take to deal with the cold, closed off and abandoned places of my heart. (lol - this sounds like the start of a scary movie.) But wow - I didn’t take into account how long I would have to put in the work OR the feelings that would surprise me as I went there with myself. (*groan)

It was (and is) exhausting.

There’s a quote by Muhammad Ali that says, “The fight is won or lost far away from witnesses - behind the lines, in the gym, and out there on the road, long before I dance under those lights.”

I can’t even call this 4-month absence an intentional hiatus, because 1) it wasn’t intentional and 2) I’m pretty sure you can’t put two hiatuses back to back. But away from you guys - away from “witnesses” - behind the posts (or lack thereof) and missed personal deadlines for Established, in the quiet corners of my room, in the aisles/at the alter at church, out on late night drives wasting away my gas money, and even at the boxing gym - I was (and still am) in the middle of fighting for myself and for areas of my heart that I need back.

And I’ve gotta admit that there have been some major L’s behind the scenes, but there have also been some really sweet victories.

There have been days where I want to push it aside, lounge back, and deal with it later… Sandwiched by days where I feel motivated, inspired, and full of grit.

There have been days where my heart goes on lock down, and it takes effort for me to feel anything… Followed by days where I’m too tired. Because there are too many feelings. Too many emotions. Too many painful memories having to be dug up and dealt with.

…Which usually results in sleepless nights with my thoughts, or waking up with emotional hangovers from the night before.

And that’s where that reminder comes in handy. Everyday. At 9:00am.

I read “I’m fighting for you.” across my screen.

And almost immediately, I catch a fresh wind. Almost like something taking jumper cables to my heart.

Like I mentioned earlier, I recently joined boxing. It’s something I’ve always wanted to do. Two of my close friends have been doing it for a while so I decided to go with them one night, and I’ve been hooked ever since. It’s fun, and it’s such a good work out! 10/10 would recommend. But that’s beside the point. Like all of this heart stuff I’ve been sorting through, I underestimated how tiring boxing can be. By the third round, I’m pretty much drenched in sweat and completely winded. But I kid you not - my boxing class has become a place where the Lord has set an extra reminder in my heart. By the time I get winded, I get that same reminder in my spirit saying: “I’m fighting for you.”

And again after each round.

“I’m fighting for you.”

Boxing has honestly been so cool for me because it’s been a physical representation of the mental and emotional fight that I’ve been fighting. Not only have I seen myself getting stronger through it, but God has been using that to paint an actual picture of the way He is fighting for me/alongside me.

When it comes to relationships, you’ll always hear me talking about wanting someone who will fight for me or someone who has some fight in them. I’m huge about people choosing to fight for/alongside each other in relationships, because it’s a key ingredient I’ve seen in every single couple I look up to - starting with my parents.

But never have I seen a fight like I have seen in the Lord for me.

In the last 4 months alone, I’ve challenged Him, I’ve bickered with Him, I’ve pushed Him, I’ve left Him on read, I’ve ignored His calls, I’ve blamed Him for pain that He didn’t cause.

And still, He has met me with unrelenting love.

Even when I ghost Him, He still shows up with so much intention and care.

He just won’t quit, and I’m just so grateful and in awe of that.

This time of year, we all focus on the sweetness of love. But lately I’ve been caught up on the fierceness of love.

I have been loved fiercely in my lifetime, but no one has shown me a fiercer love than His.

Romans 8:38 (NLT) says “And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow — not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love.”

Absolutely NOTHING - n - o - t - h - i - n - g can separate us from His love.

It’s a love that relentlessly pursues your heart (no matter how many times you run away);

that won’t give up on you (no matter how many times you’ve turned him down);

that will stay even after you push Him away (and will never leave your side - not for a moment);

that won’t stop fighting for you even if you’re tired of fighting for yourself (and will lift your arms up for you when you’re about to quit);

that will never leave you to deal with your mess alone (no matter how crusty, dusty, and overwhelming your mess is).

“You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you. Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the Lord will be with you.” (2 Chron. 20:17)

(I said this in October, but I’m repeating it because it remains true to this day and until the end of time.)

On this beautiful day dedicated to all things “love” (*swoon),

God is reminding you that He is fighting for you and your heart.

He is stirring up fresh wind, new hope, and an overflow of love in the midst of disappointed, faint, broken, salty and/or messy hearts. (**I’m in solidarity with you, babes!)

He’s fighting for you.

He’s fighting for you.

“The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.” (Exodus 14:14)

Happy Valentine’s Day!

xoxo